You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The uberlube is also flammable
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
