So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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