I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
