oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
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Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
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well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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