we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
