i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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