i just wanna soil my oats bro
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
