you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
