I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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