We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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