I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
