My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
