I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
