He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
