please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
