Got a toothbrush?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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