I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
