Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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