ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
