my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
