This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
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i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
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The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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