Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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