Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
