he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
