he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
