I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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