Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
