i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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