She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Boobs are out for the taking
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
