do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
