So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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