I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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