My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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