I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
