Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
