are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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