he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
