I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
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Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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