Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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