the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
