i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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