If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
