He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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