u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
