They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
