I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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