All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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