Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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