I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
