Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
