so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
