I'd wear matching sweaters with you
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
50% drunk capacity currently
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
