dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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