My friends, they love my intelligence
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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