We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
